Hurrying Up The Process

            I just got off the phone as I write this blog entry and ponder on what I just heard and observed in the past week. Let me give you the Cliff’s Note version with a little backtracking for good measure.

            My friend, who I shall name Sean, for the purpose of this blog, met somebody he liked at a social function and found that this other person liked him enough to befriend him, share bits and pieces of his own life which finally led to the highlight of the evening and that is, the opportunity to take things on a hortizontal level. Yes, that kind of horizontal. They shared a meal and talked some more after and soon Sean found himself getting enamored by this new “find” and began to ardently pursue this person like there was no tomorrow.

            I for one was not privy to the immediate results that he yielded, or in this case, failed to manifest and harvest, as the person in question suddenly did a 180 degree on him and would reject his calls and beat around the bush by not answering his text messages promptly and when they are indeed answered, its usually the prelude to another question to follow, which in effect, overshadows the original question posted. Are you with me? Good.

       As a prelude to his call tonight, Sean also forwarded his own disappointment-filled text that he sent to this fella, demanding a reason why his calls are being rejected and if he was not serious about being friends, then why go through all the trouble. Instantly I heard warning bells sound off in my head. But I was unable to respond to what I felt up until this phone call tonight.

So Sean admitted to me that in the course of their correspondences, which  was  now all week long, he told the lad about how much of a “challenge” and a “difficult” situation it is to "court" him, for apart from this find of a guy, is almost half his age, he’s still in school and thereby not bound or aquainted by the freedom and liberalism of working professionals like us.

            Immediately I aired my concern, and found that I wasn’t the only one who felt that way as Sean's other friends said the same, and told Sean that perhaps his arduous and over enthusiastic pursuit scared the boy off. Simple as that. The boy was being evasive because of what Sean said and equally the ramifications of what he said. And that’s what we result-oriented people of the corporate world at times fail to realize, that in the pursuit of the result that we want, we fail to recognize another, if the not most important component of that result, and this is the journey. The journey which is basically the road to whatever goal that we set in our minds and desperately want to reach in the blink of an eye. But it shouldn’t even be that way. There should be a conscious effort to make time for the process. A patience conditioning of sorts.

           If building a bond is that easy then we would all be experts of it now at this day in our lives. But we often forget that the road to the bond is as equal, if not, even more important than what we seek to covet, to know and to scrutinize with all our values and parameter checks.


           Truly the heart cannot be rushed. And if we are aware of it each and every day and in every relationship that we hope to build then perhaps we wouldn't vent out too much. We wouldn't dump our frustration on the object of our affection and scare them away. We wouldn't mope around and feel sorry for ourselves and wondering why things are not working the way we want and resign ourselves to a loveless life.

     It doesn't have to be that way all the time. And because it doesn't, it means that there is a way out. The next question is, are you aware of the way out and are you "patient" enough to take it? If you are then congrats, like me in my youth, you are learning the pieces of the relationship puzzle day by day. And when you think about it, living our lives day by day, moment by moment, is the way to go. As the heart and mind, can only handle so much at a time, it also wouldn't be fair to you if the Universe overwhelms you with the brunt of the experience. And so it gives you the chance to experience it, bit by bit. And like a good dish whose taste is allowed to grow you and having come from a process of both marinating and simmer, building relationships and at the very least friendships is best taken and done one bite at a time.


             So if you're ready. Bon Appetit. :)

Who Saw It First?

I often ask Vangie, in Echoes of the Heart, the talk show we do and have done for the past 17 years, over DWIZ-882, that if caught between a tug of war, if not a tug of wills, who would or if not, should, make the first move?

Let’s face it, tantrums, misunderstanding, failed expectations, these are just some of the elements spicing up the duration and tenure of a relationship. Without it, none of the two parties involved would learn about patience, personal space, priorities and other “P” words I’m trying to cram into a coherent sentence. My point being, without these quarrels, raising of voices, setting of boundaries, the said relationship would just go the route of stagnancy and perhaps even the way of the dodo. Heaven forbid.

So to go back to my question, which among the two parties involved should act accordingly? Vangie tells me it should be the one who saw IT first.

The one who sees trouble a mile away and tries to force heaven and earth for it not to happen or the one who accepts that both at times are the victims of circumstance(s) and thus being prodded per se by the outside stimuli, and therefore sentient and knowledgeable beings that we are, act accordingly?

But does it always have to be that way?

Isn’t that a tiring burden to have? At always being tasked to rectify the quarrel because one always sees it first and other one doesn’t? Does this lopsided foresight spoil the one who doesn’t see it and vexes and wears out the one who does? When does the other one say, enough is enough? Why don’t you see it my way? Why must you conduct yourself around the house and not talk to me, and only to other other people present as I were not there or like a piece of furniture, mute and unable to speak and be asked of one’s opinion?

Why can’t I be the childish one for a change? The one to snap curt remarks when being asked about dinner and being talked to politely? Why can’t I be the one to just storm out of the house, check in a hotel and sleep in blissful content alone with no stress, turn a blind eye, as well as turn my back on your plight and bid for explanation. Shut the door in your face and sleep it off till morning?

Why is it one way and not the other?

Maybe because I haven’t done it? I have not chosen immaturity over intractability?

What do you think?

Perhaps I should?

MAURICE

Rating:	★★★★★
Category:	Movies
Genre:	Drama

Watched MAURICE again. Quite the pleasant watch. And a most eye-opening experience at that after seeing it again after all these years. Based on the book by EM Forster and posthumously released, Maurice’s story is that of a young man who comes into grace and his subsequent downfall.

By grace I mean of his adolescent years and the decision he makes as he partakes of society and of its trappings of position and power and by fall, by way of losing his innocence that marked his journey at the beginning and his sense of naivete in the world, knowing that people operate differently. And amidst that, having to deal with the longing in his heart; that is to spend his life with someone he loves, someone who can love him back; in short, another man.

Set in the early 1900’s a little over after the turn of the century in England, it was a most critical and crucial time to state and to person much less to even be aware of one’s nature and to give in to it, knowing that the end result would be shame and ruin. One would have to go out on a limb for it, similar to what Maurice did.

Now, did it pay off? I guess you would have to read the book or watch the film and similarly pray that local bookshops would begin to carry this elusive piece of work. But I won’t spoil the fun and go on to tell you that watching it the second time around and having grown older since the last to appreciate the act and nuance of words and spoken lines, the whole experience was like watching the film for the very first time. Gone were the days when the characters of Maurice, Clive, Ann, and Scudder were merely names to remember and contend with, but rather they represent different archetypes and levels of society and awareness in that given time. They were either people in the middle of society’s changes; from both ushering it into the new world to merely settling for the effects as it trickles and dawns into their lives. Or to those who merely sit by the sidelines and let the glorious sands of life just merely pass them by without knowing any better.

And yet men not to mention women only could aspire to know as much during 1910, homosexuality was even frowned upon at that time and even if Oscar Wilde was gaining popularity and notoriety as a playwright, Forster’s book was not even released only until after his death. Today things have taken a turn for the progressive as England has been one of the first nations to embrace the union of gay marriages, having Elton John and George Michael among the celebrities to openly endorse the government move by having themselves registered as same-sex lifetime partners.

Such turn of events was only aspired to and dreamt of in Maurice’s time as he had to wrestle that utopian society in his mind when Clive, played by Hugh Grant came to profess his love for him. Having spent so much time together being students at Cambridge, it was but a natural act for Clive to do; to outpour his feelings to this man whom he spent so much time with. But Maurice being the archetype of a closeted gay man rebuked him. And when only when he had time to ruminate and finally coming to his senses soon found himself transformed and succumbed to his feelings and allowed Clive into his heart; so much so that he let him in too deep that when the world came between them he almost could not bear it.

At this point in the viewing, the precarious relationship of both Clive and Maurice can be flayed on like meat to be scrutinized to no end as to who manipulated whom and who got the bad end of the deal. But it all boils down to passivity and having the “balls” to go after what one truly wants and desires, a quality of which Hugh Grant was able to convey in the film as he shrank bank into his own “closeted” world, broke off with Maurice and re-emerged into society as a straight and married man.

How many of us would have the stamina and drive to pursue what we want,let alone brave a lone trek to reach our goals and dreams to find out that it meant sacrificing a better part of ourselves? How many men in this modern day and age have both gone thru what Clive did and dared to both dream of that life; a life of having a loving man in their lives and a woman alongside him with their children in tow. Either that or throw one’s passivity out the window and brave what most gay men who are sure of themselves the road less traveled only time it rewarding and life affirming in the end. And only upon reaching the end would one consider that particular road fully traversed and consider a journey taken.

Clive and Maurice both took that road and ended up two different people at the end of the journey so much so that their roles were reversed. Clive becomes the repressed and closeted gay man refusing to look into the past and yet never forgetting while Maurice amidst initial resistance and condemnation chooses to embrace his nature fully. A reversal of fortune or merely a realization of a journey?

Either of the two would suffice but it would both demand results; results from a path taken and ventured so that the order of the Universe is tested and tempered and we like the characters in this brilliantly adapted film are left to ponder upon about the choices we make and if we were ever needed to make those choices.

Perhaps most people wouldn’t understand the burden of making choices along these matters for gay men have it differently; from having no specific role models to choose and emulate from while growing up and at the same time being dictated by society on how and what to do. And if ever a role model was ever found, they themselves are bound by the very cords that binds gay men who would want nothing more than to be free to express themselves in the most natural way ever. And in doing so, attune to the yearnings of the heart; that somewhere out there, there is indeed another man who can heed one’s call, who matches up to the standards or levels of preference that one prescribes and equally accepting of one’s flaws and limitations.

Such a tall task to ask? Perhaps not. But gay man or not, that is equally the goal that every human being aspires to in relationship. Perfectly free of whatever trappings of inconsistency and incongruence to point that both parties are able to open their heart, mind and soul to their partner with no fear of recoil or revulsion.

As the saying goes, make your bed and lie on it. In this case, Maurice has come to realize that in making your own bed, you get to choose who gets to lie on it with you and in effect come out the victor and not the victim.

Marriage: Fate or Choice

They say that great things come to those who wait and not just the good things.

 

            Coming home from attending and hosting a Wedding reception, it is these words that the groom uttered that kept me thinking as I drove home. Seeing how happy he was when he was thanking everyone who came and attended and how he spoke of the circumstances that led to meeting his wife serendipitously.

 

He did believe that good things come. However it is the great things that really are worth the wait. His statement belied the old saying that it is the good thing that comes to those who exercise and conduct themselves in the delectation of upholding the virtues of patience and perseverance.

 

            I say this for many a seeking soul, the reality of having to share someone their lives continue to be a constant battle if not a mystery.

 

            I also say this for some people feel that marriage is a Choice. Some people feel that marriage on the other hand is fate; like the end result of the uniformed alignment of the planets to create a harmonious and pleasant not to mention a memorable experience.

           

            Choice perhaps because one would have to choose the mundane task of setting a marriage date, the church where one wants to be married down to the pastor who would officiate the ceremony and eventually book the hotel where the nuptials will be celebrated and given validation by the many number of family members and friends who all will bear witness to that union and hence give it credence and significance.

 

            Fate for some because out of the billion people in the world or in the part of the world where you live in, a beautiful soul comes into your life; knocking on your heart’s door or literally landing on your door step falling flat on their faces just hoping to vie for your attention in the hopes for a date or even another one just to get to know you better.

 

            And to get to know life and in the process the mysterious force that is love is to know that these two principles operate at times within no realm of absolutes. It conducts itself in the realm of the gray, where things are hard to be given a fixed form or a constant answer to an ever evolving question. True, the metrics of love change from couple to couple and cannot be for the most part quantified but the mechanics on how it holds true for people in love continue to remain a mystery.

 

            This is so for species like us that seeks to categorize everything that we see and do and having been accustomed to the scientific way of doing so, the answer continues to elude us and we end up debating if the marriage, the meeting and union of two souls, is bound by the force of fate or of choice.

 

            And yet personally being in a domesticated partnership such as myself, I cannot say that I have found the answers much less affirm that I have delineated the borders that even come to define. Like most, I can only hope to rely on the combination of the two earlier debated forces of Fate & Choice that defined and created the conditions that I have in my life at the moment.

 

            Fate for the most part stretches forth out her warm and nurturing touch and have two strangers meet; weaving both a scenery of circumstance and coincidences peopled by characters coming from both camps of the people involved. Fate sees this development and steps back and let the designated characters act out the part that she has drawn for them and if they are lucky, they get past the first act of dating and the getting-to-know-you-scenes before moving onto the second act of the performance which is the confirmation of the journey of the first act so far and seeking verify that through witnesses and ceremony. The performance thus ends with everyone being thanked for their participation and the rest of the evening is left for the hired band to usher everyone into merrymaking while songs are played and guests dance their cares away.

 

            Choice enters the picture the day after as the two joined souls have signed the papers, made a vocal and written commitment to cherish one another; to have and to hold and to accept each others differences which marks any significant union and which makes each and every union dynamic and ever evolving. This choice also is present during the tough times when voices are raised in protest and over the differences in outlook and in personal persuasion and objects of possession are hurled across the room in the hopes that that message is heard and sent across.

 

            Truly no one Force can ever be devoid of each other without recognizing the fact that both of them cannot truly function without the other; being complementary to each. The meeting of those two souls can easily be attributed to fate but the force of choice follows that up and defines the next step to follow and how the road is either smoothed out or roughened up.

 

            So for those who feel that they have found someone worthy and willing to share their lives with, begin to thank your lucky stars that the Universe has indeed given you that person.  What follows next is the Choice to uphold that recognition that this person is in your life for a reason just as you are in his life for one.

 

            And in the journey together, you just may find your answers.

 

If in case along the road you may find even some more questions to answer. Then perhaps you may choose to do so or just skip them and just drive safely and content to work knowing that the person who chose you will be serving you a warm, cooked, loving meal when you get home at the end of the day.